After Sandra Downs began her flaming debut yesterday morning before the Monroe County Planning Commission in Marathon, I introduced her to County Commissioner Sylvia Murphy and some of my friends in The Resistance. Sandy and I then left the meeting hall to get some fresh air outside. The elevator door opened and out walked Ed Swift heading toward the meeting room. “Hi, Ed,” I said. Without looking at me, he said, “Oh, hi.” Sandy had just jumped the Planning Commission for only doing business with Ed Swift in building affordable housing for school teachers. I was heading back to Key West and did not stay for the rest of the meeting, but learned more about it from Sandy when she called me toward supper time. She said Ed Swift had told the Planning Commission and all in attendance that he had come up there to sue someone, if he was spoken badly of again.

Well, right there I knew Ed hadn’t told the truth, because he came up there to try to persuade the Planning Commission to approve everything he wanted them to approve. He had no idea Sandy was even going to be there, and he probably didn’t know what she’d just said when he came out of the elevator, because he wasn’t even in the room when she said it. But one of his employees was there, and his hand-picked-county-advisor-attorney Jerry Coleman was there, and it could be inferred that Ed heard of Sandy’s remarks from one of them.

I told Sandy I’d publicly written that Ed Swift is Key West’s anti-Christ and is possessed by Lucifer, and he hadn’t sued me yet. I forgot to mention that Ed had talked the City of Key West into giving him an exclusive license to conduct public tours of Key West, and that when Duck Tours came along with its amphibious ducks, Ed talked the City into running Duck Tours out of business, which led to a long and protracted litigation against Ed and the City. Meanwhile, Ed opened similar tour companies in Boston and Washington D.C., using amphibious ducks to haul people around.

I also forgot to mention to Sandy that I’d seen Ed rant and rave at a Monroe County Taskforce for Workforce Housing meeting at Key Colony Beach in the summer of 2006, like he was the boss of the meeting, the boss of the task force, and the boss of the Keys. What he was ranting and raving about was getting the Taskforce to push for higher building heights, so more residential housing could be crammed into the Keys, and to get the Taskforce to push for shorting the county hurricane evacuation schedule, so more residential housing could be crammed into the Keys. None of which was reported in the press, because no one from the press was at the meeting.

As did I forget to tell Sandy that Ed is pushing hard to get Michelle Cates, another lawyer in his field of influence, appointed to the Key West Planning Board, to replace outgoing member Richard Klitenick. Like Jerry Coleman, Michelle rents office space in Ed’s company building down on Front Street. Ed is just an all round upstanding dirt-bag developer. I did not make that up. Sandy told me he described himself that way at the Planning Commission meeting yesterday, about the time he said he came up there to sue somebody, even though that wasn’t why he came up there.

Why Ed came up there was to watch his lawyer, Jerry Coleman, who is paid huge fees by the County, persuade the Planning Commission to change the definition of affordable housing to mean housing just about anyone who lives in the Keys can afford — except the poor working stiffs, without whom Ed could not get his yard tended, his home cleaned, his yacht at Key West Yacht Harbor serviced or maintained, his food cooked or served at the Yacht Harbor or anywhere else, his company’s offices cleaned, his Conch Trains and Key West Trolleys serviced, his car washed and repaired, his garbage picked up at his Key Haven home and Key West business offices, the street in front of his office building cleaned, the groceries where he shops stocked, his laundry and dry cleaning done, etc., etc. Without the poor working stiffs who keep Ed alive and comfy, he would move straightaway to some place else, along with anyone else who could afford to do so.

Tell you what, Ed. Sue me for defamation. No need to have the Clerk of the Court send a deputy sheriff out looking to serve me. Just have your plaintiff lawyer call and let me know when the suit is filed, and I will go by the Clerk’s office and accept service there. Here’s what your lawyer needs about me to fill out the suit papers correctly: Sloan Bashinsky, 626 Josephine Parker Rd # 102, Key West, Florida 33040. He can reach me on my cell phone: 305-407-4285 (don’t have a land line). And at either of these email addresses: <mailto:keysmyhome@hotmail.com>keysmyhome@hotmail.com, <mailto:sloanbashinsky@hotmail.com>sloanbashinsky@hotmail.com . He also will need a copy of this narrative, of course, to see what all I’m saying about you and where I’m coming from and going. It's going out about 250 Keys people and a few folks elsewhere, and to goodmorningkeywest.com and goodmorningfloridakeys.com. The Key West website had 5,100 visitors in December.

If you have trouble making up your mind what lawyer to hire, I can give you some suggestions. I also can give your lawyer some suggestions. Such as, maybe he walks around Key West, talks to various locals who just happen to come along, asks them if they know of Ed Swift, and, if so, do they know of his reputation in Key West? That’s what I’ll be doing, Ed, if you sue me. Rounding up witnesses. Not only is the truth a defense in a defamation suit, the general reputation of the plaintiff in his or her community is something the judge and jury also must consider. As well at the reputation of the defendant for truth and veracity. My opponent in the county commission race, Sonny McCoy, who receives all of my public postings, will be tickled pink to be called as a character witness for the defense.

I wrote and published recently that I was told by a local businessman, who happens to know you pretty well, according to what he’s told me, that you are completely amoral, Ed, and don’t do anything that is not in your own best interests. As I also wrote a few times, I don’t like to say anything bad against people, but God sometimes makes me do it. Meaning, I didn’t do it with malice, which is another defense in a defamation suit. I told a few people lately that I was wondering when the angels were going to stop piddling around and bring out their flame throwers. Hope you have plenty of asbestos, Ed. Sue away, and let’s see if pigs really do fly.

One has to wonder, though, how come this morning’s Key West Citizen reported none of this juicy news from the pig parlor, er Planning Commission. Oh, I nearly forgot. Some time back I accused the Citizen of being in your pocket.

Meanwhile, Ed, in case you’re interested, Sandy Downs told a few people at the Planning Commission meeting yesterday that she’s going to run for Sheriff of Monroe County. Just think, Ed. A sheriff who isn’t afraid to arrest and lock up people who break the law, including law enforcement officers, government officials, and people whose families have lived in the Keys for generations. Just think, Ed, what it will be like having as High Sheriff the woman who incinerated the Planning Commission, Jerry Coleman and you yesterday afternoon, after you threatened to sue someone, on television. I never met anyone with a better grasp of what’s really going on in the Keys. Or anyone who can think quicker on her feet and speak so well. Compared to Sandy Downs, I’m just another little pig in heaven. Oink.